11 Fictional Sporting Events We Wish We Could Have Attended, From Quidditch to Boxing
The Miracle on Ice. The Rumble in the Jungle. Michael Jordan’s final shot against the Jazz. These are just some of the greatest moments in sports history, and anyone who was lucky enough to be in attendance for them likely still tells the story to this day.
Now, imagine if fans could’ve bought tickets to Rocky’s first fight with Apollo Creed. Or the championship game from Dodgeball. Or the playoff game from Rookie of the Year in which a 12-year-old strikes out the best hitter in baseball on an underhanded toss. (Side note: the Cubs’ bullpen must’ve been really horrible that year for the manager to leave a child on the mound even after his arm gave out). Here are some fictional sporting events that fictional fans likely told their fictional grandchildren all about.
11/11 ‘Baseball Bugs’ (Looney Tunes)
You’ve paid five cents to watch the Teatotalers play the Gashouse Gorillas at the Polo Grounds. It’s the top of the 4th, and the Gorillas are up 86-0. It’s already the most implausible baseball game you’ve ever seen. Then, the Gorillas suddenly stop playing and force a talking rabbit — whose name is apparently Bugs Bunny — to play them single-handed.
But here’s the thing: the rabbit is good. He throws 130 mph, hits .850, and distracts the Gashouse Gorillas with pinup dolls. Then, as if you haven’t seen enough, in the bottom of the 9th, with the score at 96-95, the Gorillas chop down an oak tree and fashion it into a massive bat. The batter crushes Bugs’ fastball (201mph exit velocity) out of the ballpark. The Gorillas win. It’s only when you’re driving home that evening (after 8 hours at the stadium) that you hear on the radio: Bugs Bunny ran to the top of the Umpire (!) State Building and caught the ball.
10/11 Harry Potter’s First Quidditch Match (‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’)
Anyone raised in the Wizarding World heard the name “Harry Potter” growing up. Then, the Boy Who Lived didn’t just reemerge. He was the new Gryffindor seeker. That’s like if Lindbergh baby was suddenly alive and became the Lakers starting point guard.
Tickets must’ve been 200 dollars (or whatever the wizarding equivalent to dollars was. Three gold pieces?). And the match didn’t disappoint. The rookie Potter actually caught the snitch…with his mouth. It’s amazing anyone kept talking about the Voldemort thing after that. As far as everybody in the stands was concerned, Harry Potter probably became the Boy Who Ate The Winged Ball.
9/11 Tune Squad v. Monstars (‘Space Jam’)
Considering the amount of firepower on the court (Michael Jordan, five seven-story high monsters with the souls of basketball hall-of-famers) it’s a bit shocking this game ended 78-77, like a Pistons-Pacers 2002 playoff game.
But still, what a game to be at. Fans got to see barely legal basketball moves, Bill Murray for some reason, and Michael Jordan win the game by dunking from half-court. Now you try to tell your grandkids what you saw that night, and they won’t believe you.
8/11 Allies v. Nazis (‘Victory’)
In the midst of World War II, a German footballer turned Nazi Major concocts a propaganda stunt. The Germans will play their Allied prisoners in a game of football (re: soccer) to prove their athletic superiority.
Aside from the Battle of Normandy, this may be the single most profound Allied victory of the war. Pele scores on his iconic bicycle kick. And, against all odds, first-time-goalie Sylvester Stallone saves a penalty at the death. The crowd, predominantly French, cheers the draw like a Champions League victory. Then, they rush the field and guide the prisoners to escape through the busy Paris streets.
7/11 Boonta Eve (‘The Phantom Menace’)
According to the Star Wars website, the Boonta Eve was the largest podrace held on Tatooine, meaning it was probably watched by 500 billion people across the universe on the podrace equivalent of ESPN+.
A 9 year-old defeated Sebulba. Let’s say that again: a 9-year-old. Tatooine was a hive of scum and villainy, meaning there had to be a lot of gambling going on, meaning someone — SOMEONE — must’ve placed a few credits on Anakin’s 20,000 to 1 odds. Imagine the payout when they watched that 4th grader cross the finish line.
6/11 Roy Hobbs Shatters the Lights (‘The Natural’)
When 35-year-old Roy Hobbs returned to baseball, the coaches told him he was too old to play. But his first game back he literally knocked the cover off the ball, becoming an overnight sensation for the last place New York Knights.
In the final game, with a chance to win the pennant, Hobbs came to bat in the bottom of the ninth with the Knights trailing by one. A pitch splinters his famous bat Wonderboy, so he resorts to the batboy’s personal bat: the Savoy Special. That doesn’t stop him. It can’t, not Hobbs — America’s Achilles. The next pitch, he connects. The ball crashes straight into the right field stadium flights. They explode into sparks, showering down the field in fiery rain, possibly scalding a few spectators. Any true fan would’ve been grateful to be burned by Hobbs’ legend.
5/11 The Final Race (‘Talladega Nights’)
Ricky Bobby’s comeback race featured a crash that took out the other 30+ drivers, a second crash that was so long it could be interrupted by an Applebee’s commercial, and, of course, the final foot race.
There aren’t many real life NASCAR moments that transcend the sport and reach casual fans. But two drivers running on foot and diving towards the finishing line would have done it. As would their passionate kiss afterwards.
4/11 The Tour Championship (‘Happy Gilmore’)
In the 4th round of the Tour Championship, PGA darling Gilmore was playing his best golf, and then, as sometimes happens on the PGA, he was run over by a car on the fairway. Gilmore seemed finished. Then, he roared back. The golden jacket was as good as his…until the 18th green.
For some reason, nobody moved the crashed car, and a TV tower collapsed in between Gilmore’s ball and the hole. Instead of two putting to force a play-off, Gilmore fired the ball off of the car’s windshield. It clanked around the tower like a Rube Goldberg machine and rolled softly into the 18th hole. The crowd erupted and then beat the crap out of Shooter McGavin.
3/11 Giants v. Cowboys (‘Little Giants’)
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In Super Bowl XLVII, two brother Jim and John Harbaugh coached against each other in the Super Bowl. The game in Little Giants is more meaningful. The respective coaches were also brothers. They played for car dealerships, a spot in the pee-wee-football league, and, naturally, respect.
The game lived up to the hype with advanced football analytics, a cheerleader-quarterback named “Icebox, and the Annexation of Puerto Rico. The play: a fake end-around reverse, a fumblerooski, and two laterals. The result: an inconceivable 99-yard touchdown to win the game for the Giants and, more importantly, the younger brother. The crowd of locals knew what all adults know: children’s sports are ultimately about the adults.
2/11 ‘It’s Enrico Pallazzo!’ (‘The Naked Gun’)
Within The Naked Gun, this Mariners-Angels baseball game was only significant because of the Queen of England’s attendance. But for fans at the stadium, it became so much more than that. Start with the national anthem, sung (supposedly) by famous opera singer Enrico Palazzo. Only a few people realized this horrible rendition was actually performed by detective Frank Drebin.
Then, fans and players watched dumbstruck as the umpire danced after every strikeout call, cleaned home plate with a vacuum cleaner, and groped multiple players. Then, after ejecting another umpire at the end of the seventh, the umpire stopped hall-of-famer Reggie Jackson from killing the queen by dropping a woman on him. The umpire then removed his mask to reveal he was, in fact, Enrico Palazzo! He saved the Queen’s life! “Enrico Palazzo! Enrico Palazzo!”
1/11 Rocky v. Drago (‘Rocky IV’)
Less a boxing match than a battle. Not so much two boxers as two nations personified. The Cold War in boxing shorts.
Those lucky thousands in the Moscow arena on Christmas Day witnessed something more than an athletic contest. They saw a war, a duel with fists, a reckoning, a religious experience. By the end of it, they no longer chanted the name of their countryman, but that of his opponent, an American. Merry Christmas. The Cold War is over.
